Running Away From Home...

I’m absolutely furious as I throw everything into my suitcase. Tears flood my eyes making the task even more difficult. I can’t believe they would treat me this way, can’t believe they would do this to me. It was so undeserved! But it would end right here, right now. I feel slightly victorious as I imagine how bad they are going to feel when I’m gone, how much they will miss me…and how mad Mom and Dad will be at them.

I’m 7 years old (and perhaps just slightly over-dramatic). My older brothers and sisters are teenagers and they have been gleefully teasing me….for what I can’t even recall. With the benefit of hindsight, I know it was probably something silly (which was likely deserved since I was a bit of a geek) – they were never cruel or hurtful to me in any way. I just wanted their respect so badly that any level of teasing felt like betrayal. Anyway, at the time, I was really mad. I do remember storming to my room and filling my floral suitcase with all the essentials: a pillow, 10 pairs of underwear, and a candy bar. I remember sitting down at my white plastic cosmetic vanity which doubled as a desk, staring soulfully into the small mirror, and then putting pen to paper for a letter to them filled with all the threats and hatred I could muster. I remember trying to quietly sneak, with suitcase in hand, past the living room where they sat laughing at me, towards the door to my ultimate freedom.  Once outside, I took a deep breath and felt powerful as my lungs filled with fresh air…and with the open road before me, I set out – I was running away from home and they would be so sorry. I had traveled quite a distance, at least three driveways away from home, when one of my sisters came running after me and convinced (or threatened) me to come home. 

I was reminded of this day last week while doing some shopping in Northfield. There, in a small boutique, I saw the floral suitcase of my youth, marked “vintage 1970’s”. Without suspecting or having a chance to prepare, I was instantly transported back to that day when I was 7 – just by seeing a suitcase similar to one that I held that day. It was as if time and distance never separated me from that moment and I was full of the memory. I’m guessing this has probably happened to you too. You are going about your day when a song comes on the radio, or you smell a familiar fragrance, or you see something that you had long ago forgotten, but now suddenly remember so clearly. It’s as though you’ve been given the opportunity to travel back in time. And the chance to take a longer look around, and live in that moment for just a bit. As I get older, there seem to be more of these kinds of memories. And as I continue to age, I know at some point, those memories will become fuzzy and more difficult to recall. So, for now, I just take pause and live in those vintage 1970’s moments when they arrive.

What happened to my tormentors? Did my expertly written note to them inspire them to see my side of things and relent in their teasing? Nope…not a bit…because that is what brothers and sisters do. And of course, I also was guilty of teasing my little brother with little mercy. However, in spite of that (or maybe even because of it), they are all my best friends. We have laughed together about this day and a thousand other moments, a million times since I was 7 years old. And there is one thing I know with absolute certainty in this world - there is nothing they could do that would ever make me run away from them, and nothing I could do that would make them not come to bring me home.

I Got Lost...

I did something really stupid this past weekend. I got lost. In the woods. By myself. For hours. I’ve been kicking myself about it ever since because it was a foolish thing to do and because I panicked when I should have kept a clear head.

We were up north and John had gone dirt biking with a friend. I told him that I was going to take a drive and look at the Fall colors. I had barely gotten out of town when I saw a sign for a scenic park with hiking trails and thought that would be an easier, safer way to look at the colors rather than constantly pulling to the side of the road. I parked the truck…and perhaps should have been concerned that I was the only vehicle there. I glanced briefly at the trail map that was posted and…perhaps should have paid closer attention. I stepped over the vehicle barricade and entered the forest.

It was beautiful and peaceful and truly spectacular…for about the first 1.5 hours. The trail seemed to just kind of keep going and though my gut told me to turn around,  my head told me that I had to be nearing the end of the trail “just around the next corner”. Unfortunately, the simple loop suddenly changed and it seemed to split every couple hundred yards. One minute, I could swear I heard cars on the main road and must be close to the parking area, and the next minute it was again complete silence. I never passed another person anywhere on the trail. I never heard another person. I was completely alone and realized, that nobody had any idea where I had gone. Along the way, I had been taking pictures and collecting leaves, but at a certain point, that was no longer important and I dropped the leaves and stopped taking  photos. I was starting to wonder how lost I had become? Was I going in circles? How would I find my way out?

I walked faster and I breathed harder – both from the walk and from the rising panic. When I spotted a clearing up ahead, I was so thrilled but my excitement was soon diminished when I reached the clearing and found myself not at the parking area where I anticipated, but instead on an unmarked (and unpopulated) gravel road. After initially standing in the middle of the road and screaming a few choice words in frustration, I decided I had no choice but to keep walking…so I did. I walked…and walked…and walked. And never saw a sign. Never saw a house. Never saw a person.

By this point, I will tell you that I was truly in a full-on panic attack and I couldn’t seem to think clearly anymore. I had my cell phone with me and left an obscure, very frightening sounding message, for John. But it never occurred to me to actually use the compass/GPS on my phone to tell me where I was. After a period of time, I heard a car and as I turned around, I saw a truck approaching. I felt such tremendous relief that someone might be able to point me in the right direction, that I wasn’t even cautious about approaching a truck with a stranger on a deserted road. I was lucky. He was very kind. I told him I had gotten turned around and where I was trying to find my way back to. I asked if he could point me in the right direction. He said “of course ,but where you are trying to go is several miles back" and he offered me a ride. I’ve told my daughters a million times to never get in a car with a stranger and I think if my instincts had told me not to, I probably would have declined. Or maybe, my sense of relief would have over-ruled my instincts. In any case, I did get in the truck. And he brought me safely back to the parking lot. Again, I was very lucky and he was very kind.

Once back to my own vehicle, I tried to wipe away the tears (yes, I was full-on crying at this point) and tried to stop my hands from shaking. It might sound silly to you and looking back on it, I can laugh at my own foolishness. But in the moment, panic took over and I couldn’t seem to make myself think clearly. In retrospect, my mind is filled with “shouldn’t have’s” – I shouldn’t have gone out hiking by myself, I shouldn’t have gone somewhere that nobody knew where I was going, I shouldn’t have ignored my first instinct to just turn around, I shouldn’t have let panic overtake my better senses, I shouldn’t have selfishly forgotten to let John know that I was Ok, and maybe, I shouldn’t have gotten into a vehicle with a stranger. 

But when you are lost, you can’t see clearly. That’s the whole definition of being lost, right? Not knowing where you are and not knowing how to get where you want to be. It is terrifying and small obstacles suddenly seem so large. We do things that we wouldn’t normally do. And that sense of being displaced can lead to great panic which doesn’t allow you to breathe, or slow down, or gather your bearings. It was a gorgeous Fall day and I was never in any real danger; but the panic wouldn’t allow me to see that. I know that rationally now and I know that if I could have just calmed down, I would have made myself think clearly and found my own way out. Then it would have just been a nice (albeit long) walk in the woods, instead of cause for such fear. However, even telling the story now when I am safe at my computer and know exactly where I am and where I’m going, I can feel that panic rising as I remember my walk. Though I can’t justifiably describe it to anyone else, for me, it was real.

I’ve been lost before…in a million different ways - both physically and emotionally. I’ve taken wrong turns, I’ve made foolish choices, I’ve ignored road signs and maps, and I’ve lost my way. I’ve been lucky though to find myself back on the right path – through a clear thinking head, or through the help of someone around me. I’ve been lost before and I eventually find my way home. But for those minutes, or hours, or days in between, it is frightening to be alone and confused. I found my way home and learned a few lessons from the experience. I hope that wherever you are today, you are finding your way to a safe place and if you are lost, try to take a deep breath and keep your eyes open for someone who might come along to guide you.

Make The Most Of Every Play...

It’s one of the first truly chilly Fall mornings in Minnesota but the players are up early to gather on the field for football practice and a game. As they run through drills practicing their throws, runs, and blocking, they listen carefully to their coaches. The players have much to learn but they are focused and with the support of their team, their coaches, and their fans, some will become lovers of the game forever. There are no big salaries, no team owners with agendas, no refs on strike – it’s not about any of those things. It’s a game… and for these players, who are only four- years old, it is about being fully committed to a game that they are just learning to love.

I had the opportunity last weekend to go watch my Great-Nephew play one of his first games of football. Will is your typical four-year old boy who is full of energy and is so excited about everything he is learning in life. When he is told to run, he gives it all he has and doesn’t slow until they tell him to “stop!” When he is told to pull the other player’s flag from his belt, his eyes focus on that flag with complete concentration and nothing will deter him from his goal. He runs, he falls, he tackles (sometimes it just can’t be helped), he cheers for his teammates, and he dances when he knows he’s done a good job.

As the game is played, from the sidelines to the field, every emotion is played out. The fans on the sidelines cheer for the players, some might be nervous for their own players, and all feel the agony of a player’s hurt knee…or hurt feelings.  On the field, confusion and frustration are evident as players realize they are running the wrong way or pulling the flag from their own team member – but that is how they learn. There is joy when they feel like they are doing it all right – one little boy who after every single play, looks to his parents on the sidelines and, with a huge grin on his little face, screams “I think we are winning!” There is no scoring in this game. That isn’t really the reason for playing. They are there to have a good time together. They are there to learn how to use their bodies for the sport.  And they are there to learn the basics of good sportsmanship. From the pre-game huddle to the end-of-game lineup, they are learning what being on a team is about, about it being OK to make mistakes, about encouraging each other to do their best, and about celebrating their accomplishments after working hard.

As the years go by, these young football players will learn the rules of the game. Scoring will become very important and there will occasionally be penalties for making mistakes. But it is the lessons learned on the field at four-years old that will make them into truly great players…and great young men.

These are the very lessons and the very core principles that we should all value – whether in football, or at work, or in our personal relationships. Although there are likely many times when we all feel very much alone, life isn’t an individual sport. We need those around us to always be helping us learn, accepting our faults, and sharing our joys. Be that person for someone today. Is someone you work with struggling to learn a new concept or skill? Maybe you can take a few minutes and show them the way. Is someone you love having a bad time because they feel like they have failed in some way? Let them know failing is human and they are loved no matter what. It has to begin with you. We have to be committed to making the most of every play…because we only get so much time on the field.

Make your moments matter today…

The four-year olds - making every moment count!

PSA: Head Stuck In A Railing? You Are Not Alone!

If you are a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, older sibling, or friend to anyone with a small head, please take a moment for this “Public Safety Announcement” respectfully submitted to you by me. You may not believe this but… It is not only very possible, but also highly likely, that at some point, you may have to jump in to assist when someone manages to get their head stuck in a railing. I know what you’re thinking “yeah, right, I don’t really think that’s going to happen.”  Ha!  The words of the innocent, vulnerable and unsuspecting.

This past weekend, John and I enjoyed a little visit over to Jen and Joe’s cabin in the north woods. We had a great afternoon with them and the rest of their houseguests. But, of course, the highlight was being able to spend time with the grandkids. I pride myself on being a very watchful “Ya Ya” and would swear that no harm would ever come to the kids on my watch so I’m not particularly proud to relate what happened next.

I stood with my 2-year old granddaughter, on the deck overlooking the yard many feet below as we surveyed the grass for a ball that she rolled off the deck. Of course, I’m not two-feet tall so I’m able to look over the deck rail. However, Sammy was also trying to spot the ball and, as I stood there and watched, she stuck her head in between the cedar rails. Now remember, I think of myself as being fairly protective so I did hold the back of her shirt and even cautioned her “don’t let your head get stuck”. As the words were coming out of my mouth, I had a flashback to a very similar incident about 20 years ago, when I let my daughter, Mollie, get her head caught in the railing at Turtles restaurant. I guess since then I had erased the memory from my mind because it really didn’t occur to me until it was too late and Sammy was stuck. Oh no!

Immediately, my mind filled with images of her spending the next several hours stuck between two wooden posts as the adults frantically attempt to free her. She realized she was stuck…and started to scream. I realized she was stuck…and also screamed…for John (because he can fix anything.)

However, after we both screamed, I was able to regain my composure long enough to hold back her ears and gently reposition her head just enough that she could pull back through. She was crying and I felt terrible. But, thankfully, no lasting damage was done.

However, it kept coming back to me throughout the weekend – is this normal, does it happen to lots of people, or is there something about me that makes small children want to push their head through railings?

So I did what any reasonable, logical, adult woman would do.  I "googled" it.

And, would you believe that there are more than 2,000,000 results for “head stuck in railings”? Including a very horrifying video of a small boy who gets his head caught in a stone railing and had to be freed with HYDRAULIC SPREADING PLIERS. (Yikes! That sounds like the stuff of much future psychological therapy.) In comparison, my incident (OK…incidents) seemed rather small. I’m not only very grateful to have been so lucky but, in all honesty, am also a bit vindicated that I’m not alone. There is even a facebook page dedicated to the topic (which, I just had to “like” in an act of solidarity with others who have had the same experience.)

Anyway, I promised a “Public Service Announcement” so this is it. My intense Google research indicates that the head is the largest part of the body so if it can fit through a space, the rest of the body should be able to follow. (I actually dispute this research for anyone over the age of 3 since I can prove that my head is definitely NOT the largest part of my body…but consider it to be true for children in any case). Therefore, if a child gets caught, you can try to work the rest of the body through the rail (rather than pulling the head out). Now, in my situation, since we were about 20 feet off the ground - this probably wouldn’t have been the best option. So, if that is ever your situation as well, try to hold the ears to the head and very gently reposition the angle so that the child can be freed…and your own self-image as protective and reliable adult can be partially restored!

So…all’s well that ends well. My grand-daughter was just fine and after crying for a few minutes, ran off to play again. I eventually recovered as well but will always be certain to give railings a suspicious eye anytime a child is near.

I’m not a perfect grand-parent, or parent, or friend, or sister, or person who has friends with small heads. But with google, and my new “facebook friends who get their heads stuck” by my side, I will always do my best to keep watch - and if you ever find yourself stuck in a railing, you know who to call.

5 Great Reasons Why Empty Nesting Is Awesome!...I Tell Myself...

My daughter, Mollie, headed back to college yesterday and today I am celebrating my first day (once again) as an “Empty Nester”. I remember well three years ago when she left for her Freshman year, there were friends and family who I think feared for my well-being in dealing with her absence. I was proud to prove them wrong by quickly adjusting to my new life. It wasn’t that I didn’t miss Mollie…I missed her terribly. But I had the security of knowing that she was in a place that she loved, with people that were good to her, that she was doing what she wanted to do to create her own life. And if I could just make it through the school year, she would be home for the summer. I was proud of her…and I was proud of me. Today, as I welcome another school year, I started to think about all the benefits of being an Empty Nester and came up with “5 Great Reasons Why Empty Nesting Is Awesome”…

1.        Less laundry and fewer dishes to wash. Your workload changes dramatically when your child heads off to college. Suddenly, you are doing laundry and dishes for one less person meaning I will likely go from laundry duty at least twice each week to only one time a week at most. Since John and I rarely eat large meals when she is away, our dishes will amount to wine glasses and the occasional plate. Less workload means more time for me.

2.       More space in the house without all the extra college stuff. Each year when she comes home, we need to store all the necessary elements of daily survival that she requires the other 9 months of the year. This not only means additional clothes, but bedding, towels, toiletry products, TV’s, workout stuff, books, books, and more books, winter boots, winter jackets, tv stands, chairs, futons, tables…you get the picture. It is a lot of stuff and I have now reclaimed my home and my exercise room! No more excuses!

3.       I can reclaim the TV remote! Throughout the summer, I seem to find myself watching things that I would not normally watch – Criminal Minds, Carl Sagan-type Cosmos documentaries, and endless Bridezilla marathons. Now I can control the TV remote and can refocus on the shows that I like to watch. (Can't wait for the premier of "Revenge"!)

4.       My time is once again my own. With nobody else's agenda to consider (except John’s of course), I get to determine when and where I go shopping, or take a walk, or do my nails, or read a book, or anything else I want to do. My time is my own and I get to choose how to fill it.

5.       Freedom to turn up the music really loud, drink wine, and walk around wearing…anything or nothing. Everyone remembers that “my parents are out of town for the weekend”. It is remarkably similar to the joy found in empty nesting!

Yep – 5 Great Reasons Why Empty Nesting Is Awesome….at least, that’s what I tell myself. But here’s the thing. I don’t mind doing her laundry and fewer dishes really  just means fewer meals together. Having her stuff around reminds me of the person she is and I sort of miss tripping over her shoes sometimes. I can run the remote but watching TV is always more fun when she is around – we talk about what we are watching and we have lots of laughs. Yes, my time is my own…but what’s so bad about planning your day around someone else’s? I liked shopping with her, and taking walks, and talking about the books we were reading.  And Yes – I have the freedom to turn up the music really loud and walk around wearing whatever I do or don’t want to….but honestly, do I ever really do that?

Three years ago when she left for the first time, I managed pretty easily. But for some reason, I’m finding it a bit more difficult this year. I think it’s because this is her Senior year. In the past, I knew she would be at school for 9 months but then she would come home for awhile. This year, I don’t really know what the future will hold. I hope that she will be coming home again, but her life is her own and she will determine where it leads her. I don’t have the absolute certainty of more summers ahead.

But, for now, I focus on these 5 Great Reasons and I’ll keep focusing on them until I have myself convinced. I’ll enjoy a different way of living and look forward to the moments when she does come home for a visit. In the meantime, I’ll spend the time catching up on what I want to do. And, don’t worry, if I decide to pursue “Reason #5”, I’ll keep the blinds closed!

I Want More Of The "Now"...

On my way in to work, this morning, I noticed some very sad and forlorn-looking flowers.  I imagined that they are suddently realizing that summer is ending much too quickly and anticipating that soon the warm days of sunshine will be only a memory. I’m not sure that I’ve ever so fully related to how a flower feels but this morning, I realized that I’ve been having the same sense of summer’s departure and for that, I find myself just a little bit sad.

It seems to be the same way every year. Summer stretches before me like a lazy cat and I find myself daydreaming of all the wonderful ways that I will fill the days.  I anticipate BBQ’s, wine on the patio, bike rides, trips up north, time with my family, a road trip or two, floating in a lake, opening the windows to smell the fresh cut grass, parades, festivals, and all the other joys that long summer days hold.  Over the years, I’ve even gotten better at making sure that some (if not most) of these daydreams actually become reality. I make time to enjoy these little moments so as not to lose a moment that summer has to offer.

But these moments pass quickly and the days disappear, every year a bit faster.  I find myself listening to radio ads for the State Fair and though I eagerly anticipate a visit there to enjoy some deep fried pickles and a cold glass of beer, I also know that it signals the close of yet another summer.

Though I feel like I’ve appreciated and enjoyed all that summer has given me this year, I can’t help but feel selfish. I want to stamp my feet and pout that “it just isn’t enough”. I want more.  I don’t want to let go of the longer days filled with so many of the things that I love. And, even though I know on a rational level, that Fall and Winter will also bring their own kind of wonderful moments, I still find myself wanting more of the “now”.

Over the past three weeks, though I couldn’t attend them all because of my new job, there have been funerals - a former co-worker who died quite young, the mother of one of my oldest friends, and the father of my sister-in-law.  I know that my sister-in-law would say that in spite of her grief, there are things she is grateful for  - of course, to have had her Dad for many years, but also to have had an opportunity to tell him how much she loved him, to tell him what he meant to her, and to tell him a final good-bye. But we have all lost people that we love and I know that each of these people, those who passed and those who are left behind, would also say they didn't want to let go. They wanted more... more of the “now”. Whatever their beliefs for what is next, they would say that the “now” is never enough.

Unfortunately, Summer turns to Fall and Fall becomes Winter. Days go on. Our lives continue to change. We can’t hold onto the “now” forever.  There is no remedy other than to soothe the sadness as I hope I have done this summer by enjoying the moments that are given to me. Living in them fully. Telling the people I love….that I love them.  And making peace with the passing of summer days.

I hope that you are enjoying the moments of summer and looking with anticipation to all that comes next.  And, maybe I’ll see you in a couple weeks at the Fair…you can find me enjoying the moment with a beer in my hand!

Walk In Like You Own The Place....

Every time I look at this photo, I really have to laugh. This is my first day of fifth grade and I am pictured here with my friend, Katie, standing on the front step of  my parent's house - a "first day of school" tradition. We are a study in contrasts and yet we were the best of friends. 


Me: My perfectly smoothed and barretted hair, the rust colored wire framed glasses, the coordinating rust colored jumpsuit handmade with love by my mom, white patent leather shoes, a backpack over my shoulders filled with coordinating school supplies, and an extremely large lunchbox filled with a lunch....also homemade with love by my mom. 


My friend Katie: Short, natural curly hair which was a hint to her future passion for beauty trends, a funky t-shirt, corduroy pants, earth shoes, and all her school supplies stuffed into a black Hefty garbage bag. 


She is the epitome of cool and I am the epitome of... Geek...but we were friends...and we were nervous about our first day, but also so excited about the first day of school and all the opportunities in the year ahead of us.


I've had many first days....school, first days of being a wife, first days of being a mother, and, like today, first days of a new job. Yet no matter how many times you face a first day and no matter how excited you might be about what it represents, you might also feel a bit nervous or a bit apprehensive about this "first".  Last night, as I was preparing myself for my first day at a new job, I received an email from my dad and it was just what I needed to face the day. 


Dad has given me so much advice over the years and he has always been consistent in his themes - checking your car oil frequently in order to protect your engine was always a favorite message. Don't take any wooden nickles. Always remember to "hang in there".  And another, which he reminded me of last night, was relating to my nervous feelings about this new endeavor. He told me "Just smile and walk in like you own the place."  Volumes of self help and professional/personal development books have been written about what Dad summed up in just these few words. Basically, if you can at least portray an image of confidence, you may believe it yourself and as a result, others might believe it allowing you time to earn the right to hold such confidence. It was exactly what I needed to hear to give me the confidence as I approached my first day.


So, how was my first day of work at my new job?? Fabulous! The people were warm and welcoming, the office environment is casual and quiet, the work will be challenging and full of opportunity. I am thrilled about this first day and looking forward to the second day, the third day, etc. 


So are you faced with any "firsts" coming up that are making you nervous? The best advice I can share with you is just "Smile and walk in like you own the place".


ps: The following picture is me today on my first day of work. Some things haven't changed - I'm still color coordinated, wearing patent leather shoes, and carrying a bag with a few coordinating office supplies. But a few things have changed. I've celebrated and struggled through many first days. I've added a few (well-earned) wrinkles around my eyes. And my glasses are now plastic framed "cheaters". But essentially, I'm still the girl going off to fifth grade with lots of nerves but much more excitement about what lies ahead.