Running Away From Home...

I’m absolutely furious as I throw everything into my suitcase. Tears flood my eyes making the task even more difficult. I can’t believe they would treat me this way, can’t believe they would do this to me. It was so undeserved! But it would end right here, right now. I feel slightly victorious as I imagine how bad they are going to feel when I’m gone, how much they will miss me…and how mad Mom and Dad will be at them.

I’m 7 years old (and perhaps just slightly over-dramatic). My older brothers and sisters are teenagers and they have been gleefully teasing me….for what I can’t even recall. With the benefit of hindsight, I know it was probably something silly (which was likely deserved since I was a bit of a geek) – they were never cruel or hurtful to me in any way. I just wanted their respect so badly that any level of teasing felt like betrayal. Anyway, at the time, I was really mad. I do remember storming to my room and filling my floral suitcase with all the essentials: a pillow, 10 pairs of underwear, and a candy bar. I remember sitting down at my white plastic cosmetic vanity which doubled as a desk, staring soulfully into the small mirror, and then putting pen to paper for a letter to them filled with all the threats and hatred I could muster. I remember trying to quietly sneak, with suitcase in hand, past the living room where they sat laughing at me, towards the door to my ultimate freedom.  Once outside, I took a deep breath and felt powerful as my lungs filled with fresh air…and with the open road before me, I set out – I was running away from home and they would be so sorry. I had traveled quite a distance, at least three driveways away from home, when one of my sisters came running after me and convinced (or threatened) me to come home. 

I was reminded of this day last week while doing some shopping in Northfield. There, in a small boutique, I saw the floral suitcase of my youth, marked “vintage 1970’s”. Without suspecting or having a chance to prepare, I was instantly transported back to that day when I was 7 – just by seeing a suitcase similar to one that I held that day. It was as if time and distance never separated me from that moment and I was full of the memory. I’m guessing this has probably happened to you too. You are going about your day when a song comes on the radio, or you smell a familiar fragrance, or you see something that you had long ago forgotten, but now suddenly remember so clearly. It’s as though you’ve been given the opportunity to travel back in time. And the chance to take a longer look around, and live in that moment for just a bit. As I get older, there seem to be more of these kinds of memories. And as I continue to age, I know at some point, those memories will become fuzzy and more difficult to recall. So, for now, I just take pause and live in those vintage 1970’s moments when they arrive.

What happened to my tormentors? Did my expertly written note to them inspire them to see my side of things and relent in their teasing? Nope…not a bit…because that is what brothers and sisters do. And of course, I also was guilty of teasing my little brother with little mercy. However, in spite of that (or maybe even because of it), they are all my best friends. We have laughed together about this day and a thousand other moments, a million times since I was 7 years old. And there is one thing I know with absolute certainty in this world - there is nothing they could do that would ever make me run away from them, and nothing I could do that would make them not come to bring me home.

I Got Lost...

I did something really stupid this past weekend. I got lost. In the woods. By myself. For hours. I’ve been kicking myself about it ever since because it was a foolish thing to do and because I panicked when I should have kept a clear head.

We were up north and John had gone dirt biking with a friend. I told him that I was going to take a drive and look at the Fall colors. I had barely gotten out of town when I saw a sign for a scenic park with hiking trails and thought that would be an easier, safer way to look at the colors rather than constantly pulling to the side of the road. I parked the truck…and perhaps should have been concerned that I was the only vehicle there. I glanced briefly at the trail map that was posted and…perhaps should have paid closer attention. I stepped over the vehicle barricade and entered the forest.

It was beautiful and peaceful and truly spectacular…for about the first 1.5 hours. The trail seemed to just kind of keep going and though my gut told me to turn around,  my head told me that I had to be nearing the end of the trail “just around the next corner”. Unfortunately, the simple loop suddenly changed and it seemed to split every couple hundred yards. One minute, I could swear I heard cars on the main road and must be close to the parking area, and the next minute it was again complete silence. I never passed another person anywhere on the trail. I never heard another person. I was completely alone and realized, that nobody had any idea where I had gone. Along the way, I had been taking pictures and collecting leaves, but at a certain point, that was no longer important and I dropped the leaves and stopped taking  photos. I was starting to wonder how lost I had become? Was I going in circles? How would I find my way out?

I walked faster and I breathed harder – both from the walk and from the rising panic. When I spotted a clearing up ahead, I was so thrilled but my excitement was soon diminished when I reached the clearing and found myself not at the parking area where I anticipated, but instead on an unmarked (and unpopulated) gravel road. After initially standing in the middle of the road and screaming a few choice words in frustration, I decided I had no choice but to keep walking…so I did. I walked…and walked…and walked. And never saw a sign. Never saw a house. Never saw a person.

By this point, I will tell you that I was truly in a full-on panic attack and I couldn’t seem to think clearly anymore. I had my cell phone with me and left an obscure, very frightening sounding message, for John. But it never occurred to me to actually use the compass/GPS on my phone to tell me where I was. After a period of time, I heard a car and as I turned around, I saw a truck approaching. I felt such tremendous relief that someone might be able to point me in the right direction, that I wasn’t even cautious about approaching a truck with a stranger on a deserted road. I was lucky. He was very kind. I told him I had gotten turned around and where I was trying to find my way back to. I asked if he could point me in the right direction. He said “of course ,but where you are trying to go is several miles back" and he offered me a ride. I’ve told my daughters a million times to never get in a car with a stranger and I think if my instincts had told me not to, I probably would have declined. Or maybe, my sense of relief would have over-ruled my instincts. In any case, I did get in the truck. And he brought me safely back to the parking lot. Again, I was very lucky and he was very kind.

Once back to my own vehicle, I tried to wipe away the tears (yes, I was full-on crying at this point) and tried to stop my hands from shaking. It might sound silly to you and looking back on it, I can laugh at my own foolishness. But in the moment, panic took over and I couldn’t seem to make myself think clearly. In retrospect, my mind is filled with “shouldn’t have’s” – I shouldn’t have gone out hiking by myself, I shouldn’t have gone somewhere that nobody knew where I was going, I shouldn’t have ignored my first instinct to just turn around, I shouldn’t have let panic overtake my better senses, I shouldn’t have selfishly forgotten to let John know that I was Ok, and maybe, I shouldn’t have gotten into a vehicle with a stranger. 

But when you are lost, you can’t see clearly. That’s the whole definition of being lost, right? Not knowing where you are and not knowing how to get where you want to be. It is terrifying and small obstacles suddenly seem so large. We do things that we wouldn’t normally do. And that sense of being displaced can lead to great panic which doesn’t allow you to breathe, or slow down, or gather your bearings. It was a gorgeous Fall day and I was never in any real danger; but the panic wouldn’t allow me to see that. I know that rationally now and I know that if I could have just calmed down, I would have made myself think clearly and found my own way out. Then it would have just been a nice (albeit long) walk in the woods, instead of cause for such fear. However, even telling the story now when I am safe at my computer and know exactly where I am and where I’m going, I can feel that panic rising as I remember my walk. Though I can’t justifiably describe it to anyone else, for me, it was real.

I’ve been lost before…in a million different ways - both physically and emotionally. I’ve taken wrong turns, I’ve made foolish choices, I’ve ignored road signs and maps, and I’ve lost my way. I’ve been lucky though to find myself back on the right path – through a clear thinking head, or through the help of someone around me. I’ve been lost before and I eventually find my way home. But for those minutes, or hours, or days in between, it is frightening to be alone and confused. I found my way home and learned a few lessons from the experience. I hope that wherever you are today, you are finding your way to a safe place and if you are lost, try to take a deep breath and keep your eyes open for someone who might come along to guide you.