"Mommy Fail"

"Mommy Fail"...it's a phrase I've been hearing a lot lately - from young moms, older mothers, and even some dads. It refers to those moments when we as parents are not perfect and when we, through an action or lack of action, word or lack of the right words, let down our children in some way - whether it is a real or only a perceived failure.  

I think young mothers today are in a very challenging position. Many of them work outside the home and then come home at the end of the day wanting to compensate for their absence and wanting to achieve perfection as parents. Our culture tells them they can do it all and that it has to be done by hand, from scratch, and with no shortcuts or breaks. Their situation, though challenging, is probably not unique or much different from challenges faced by their own parents, and the culture of the parents before them. We all want to achieve some level of perfection. We want the best for our children. And we fiercely protect them from anyone who might cause them harm. So it is these "mommy fail" moments that strike us very deeply, when it is revealed that sometimes, we are the ones who might cause them disappointment or hurt.

I'm not talking here about clear and lasting failures. I know that many of you have had different experiences than my own. Some of you were abandoned by your parents in one way or another. Some of you experienced true failure at the hands of your parents. That is a completely separate kind of failure to what I'm talking about here. Those kinds of "fails" are certainly more powerful and not as easily forgiven. I'm only referencing the little moments that we all have when our "human-ness" comes through and cracks the shield of our perceived perfection, forcing us to step off the parental pedestal.

My own kids are grown now which allows me the luxury to look back over the years and how they were raised. I think I was a good mom and I think they would agree. But, sometimes, as Julia Roberts said in "Pretty Woman", "the bad stuff can be easier to believe." Or from a parent's perspective, sometimes it might be easier to remember because our own failures haunt us. 

I've had many "mommy fail" moments. To give you an idea of the kind of brief second in time that I'm thinking of, I'll tell you a quick story about one morning when the kids were little and I was trying to get them ready for the day and get myself ready for work. We were running very late and I knew that I would be late for work that day. It must have been winter because I remember the kids sitting on the floor in the entryway working to put on their boots and jackets - just not apparently quickly enough for me that morning. I snapped at them...something like, "Oh why do you guys have to make everything so hard?!?" I looked at their faces and immediately saw my own failure. I could read in their eyes at that moment that they thought they'd let me down in some way, that they thought they weren't doing it "right". I knew I was wrong. I tried to laugh it off saying to them "oh, that's right, because you guys are the kids and I'm SUPPOSED to be the grown up, right?" Chances are, because kids are so resilient, they went about their day without any issues. But for me, as parent, I carried it with me all day (and apparently for the 20 years since). I was angry at myself for starting their day with a scolding. I was concerned that not only might I have ruined their day, but God forbid, perhaps I had caused them some kind of lasting damage. As parents, we are harder on ourselves than any of the most stringent of judges. 

I'll be honest to tell you that I remember a fair number of these kinds of moments. Some are silly and looking back, I can laugh at the situation and at myself. I can see that I was just a woman, just a person, just a mom, trying to do my very best in every moment and sometimes hitting the mark...and sometimes failing. There are other moments, that might be equally silly and certainly not any more meaningful, but for some reason, I still carry them with me wishing I could turn back the clock and have given myself more patience with situations, and with myself.

Before I give you the impression that my kids lives were littered with my parental mistakes, let me say again in my own defense, I was, and still am (I think), a good mom. These are just moments that we all have - whether it is as parents, or spouses, or siblings, or children, or friends, when we fail to do the perfect thing in the perfect moment. I have no idea if my kids remember these moments. Though I can recall them, of course my hope is that my children remember the millions of other moments that were the opposite of failures - moments filled with laughing, talking, singing, understanding, loving. After all, I am a child of parents too and I couldn't list for you any of my parent's failures, though I'm sure if I asked them, they might recall a few of these kinds of moments from their own experience. Instead, I recall all the moments that they were just there, loving me. The people who love us, maybe especially most of all our children, forgive us for being human. They see us, flaws and all. They see the whole picture. And love us anyway. Maybe we should follow their lead, and forgive ourselves as well.

In each moment, we can only do the best that we can do in that moment. Most of the time, it's amazing and wonderful and we have every right to be very proud. But sometimes, we fall a bit short of perfection. I think it's OK for our children to see that and to know that perfection, though a noble goal, is rarely attained. It's OK for our children to know that we all do our best and in those moments that we perceive ourselves (either justified or unjustified) to be failures, we are really just moms, or dads, or kids, or sisters, or wives, or friends...and we are not only what that moment holds, but rather we are the sum of a million moments rolled into a lifetime.