Final Week: Mission Accomplished

So, as the dance class series comes to a close, there is likely one more question remaining that some might wonder about. Where does a feminist attitude merge with what many might call the "objectification of women" in this type of performance dance? Whew! that IS a big question and I'm definitely not qualified to provide an answer, other than sharing my own perspective.

Objectification? Honestly? Yes - in some ways, this might be true. This type of dance feels good and is physically challenging but in addition, its overall intent is to be pretty to whomever is watching. In most ways, I consider myself to be a feminist - a woman can do whatever a man can do, equal rights, etc. However, I also like (and frankly expect) some old-fashioned chivalry and there are traditional gender roles that I still fully embrace. That being said, this dance is meant to be pretty and I think many women like to feel pretty. What is wrong with that? We put on lipstick, curl our hair, use wrinkle fighting lotions, and a million other activities so that we can feel "pretty". I would also argue that women understand that there are other aspects of being attractive outside of your physical presence that include intelligence, honesty, compassion, a sense of humor, spirituality, and emotional strength. We don't have to feel guilty about  any of these things in the name of feminism. I read recently that "feminism is about being free to decide who I want to be and how I want to act."

I'm glad that I took this class. I learned some new dance skills which nobody else will likely ever see but more than that, I confronted some personal attitudes about myself and my own values. I started the session full of doubts and negative self talk. And through the class, the people I've met there, and some personal examination, I've become empowered in a way that I wasn't before the session. I am proud of getting to this point and I've enjoyed the journey.

I looked back at my beginning entry and the instructor's quote regarding this class....

"My job is to make them see what I see...that those arms, legs and everything in between are beautiful, fabulous, wonderful vehicles for expression and joy!"

Mission accomplished.



Post script:
So did I participate in Showcase? After much internal debate, the decision was actually made for me when another opportunity for that evening presented itself and had to take precedence so I did not participate. However, barring any schedule conflicts, would I have participated? It is likely that I would have. Though the thought scared me, I like to think that when it came time, I would have taken a deep breath and given it a shot. But for now, my dance career draws to a close. I will likely now pursue exercise more appropriate for a grandmother other than chair dance. Chair knitting maybe? Perhaps chair reading? But I will go forward with a the lessons learned and renewed sense of self confidence. Now..."exit stage left..."

Week 7: What Are We All So Ashamed Of?

Our choreography is complete and we are now refining and attempting to perfect the moves. I love the song that this class has selected - "Charley Aint' Home" by ZZ Ward. As the 8-week session nears its completion and students prepare for the final showcase though, I find myself struggling with the idea of performing our routine in front of an audience. While our dance is meant to be somewhat light-hearted, it is also teasingly provocative. Is it just playful or is it overtly sexual? Is it merely suggestive or is it offensive?

I find that I'm having a hard time being objective regarding where this dance falls on the spectrum between sexual and sensual. During last week's class, we recorded the routine to help those who couldn't be at class that night and as a study aid for practicing during the week. I watch the video tonight with an open mind and I don't find anything that is offensive or "over the top". The litmus test for many people when deciding if something is right or wrong is "would I take this same action if someone were watching me?" My personal litmus test is "how would I feel if my parents saw me doing this?" As I watch the video, I wonder what their reaction would be. While I think it would probably be awkward for them and would certainly make me nervous, the truth is, there isn't anything there that should make me feel ashamed.

But we live in a "shame society". Everywhere we turn, someone is pointing their fingers at someone else to say "you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that". At its most extreme are reports that have been in the news recently - stories from Uganda, and much closer to home, Arizona, where people are not only being judged for their personal decisions, but are being called out for them publicly in efforts to shame them. I recognize those are extreme examples but even at a very basic level, it is becoming far too common to judge another's choices as worse than your own merely because they are different. Obviously there are certainly things that we can all agree are "wrong". However, there are a multitude of other areas that might make us feel ashamed, even though they are innocent enough personal decisions. Parents are shaming their children as a means of discipline, social media is used to shame others as a means of bullying, and for fun, even some pets are now subject to public shaming. It's no wonder that at times, we might all feel ashamed even when there is no justification.

I watch the video again and I don't see anything to be ashamed of. More importantly, I revisit my initial reasons for taking the class in the first place. Yes, it was a chance to get some exercise in a unique way with some fun and a sense of adventure. And I kept coming because I learned it was also about self confidence. Chair dance is a form of burlesque that, while it does imply a certain sexuality, is more importantly about sensuality. The "performer", whether public or private, emanates a confidence and appreciation of their own body that is healthy, positive, and fun.

Week 6: And In This One I Hear Voices and Kill A Bunny...

Attending class on Mondays was presenting challenges so I decided to switch to the Tuesday night session. Typically, they wouldn't recommend changing at this point because you have to catch up on five weeks of choreography but I'm a quick learner and a  natural talent with dance, right? Right...

In any case, I made the switch and found a class that is also full of women who were so friendly, welcoming, and expressed a confidence about themselves that I'm not sure I possess. Or, I wonder, perhaps they are just good pretenders as many of us are - able to express positive body confidence - even though they may share my same internal struggles with body image. I find myself wondering about this and wondering about where I place myself on that range between insecurity and complete confidence.

We've likely all read articles or heard reports about mixed messages we are subject to in relation to our bodies. Too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too this, too that. I've read these same articles and listened to the same reports. Part of my head understands that the images of women we see in the media are not the average and in some cases, are not even a realistic attainable reality. But there is another part of my mind that continues to whisper negative messages focusing my attention on my flaws. It's a difficult voice to silence as it's been my partner for so many years.

I try to remember the first time I felt awkward in my own body and one memory comes to mind. I am about ten years old and we have spent the day at my uncle's house on the lake. I am browned from the sun, satiated with BBQ, and feeling completely at ease with myself. When it's time to leave, I run up the hill with my family, most likely talking a mile a minute, and as I move through an area of deeper grass around a tree, I step on something soft. To my horror, I look down and realize that I've stepped on a baby bunny and the encounter has not been good for him. He is thrashing around and I get immediately upset and start to scream. My grandpa is there and he scolds me to "be quiet" - he is never angry or short with me and this scolding somehow adds to my distress. I stand there watching the bunny die and suddenly feel so completely awkward, and large, and clumsy, and I think it's then that some of the internal messages begin. I didn't learn my internal messaging from self comparisons to the models in "Teen Beat". The messages came to me from a life experience that took only an instant, but left me feeling awkward to this day. I mean, come on, I killed a baby bunny with my awkward, clumsy self for goodness sake! (I just realized that in this post I've revealed hearing voices in my head and a very tragic bunny killing incident. Wow - we've taken a very unintentional dark turn! I promise you I am not really crazy. Now getting back on track...)

Since then my body size has had good days and not so good days. My closet is proof that I've been a size 6 and a size 14 and every size in between. Currently, although I'd like to lose a few pounds and tighten this or that, I'm very happy with my body. I'm healthy. I'm strong. But even so, even at those time when I've been my thinnest, that nagging voice is never really fully silenced. I heard on the radio recently that according to some study, in an average woman's lifetime, she will spend the equivalent of 2 weeks kissing....and 49 YEARS worrying about her body! What??

So how do you counteract those messages and those worries? Maybe by boldly facing them and sort of...spitting them back? That's what this class seems to be about. There are bodies of every size - all beautiful in their own way - none perfect by media standards. But nobody in this room is saying "I shouldn't do this move because my thighs rub together" or "I shouldn't bend this way because my stomach shows". And while the end result of the physical activity might be thinner thighs or more toned arms, the class isn't really about focusing on the body we want to have. Instead, these women are proud, confident, and reveling in each angle and curve in the less-than-perfect bodies that they have at this moment. It is inspiring and for awhile, those voices in my head don't hold any power over me.

Week 5 - Believe You Can And You Will?

I've discovered something shocking about myself. Apparently, I have no lower abdominal muscles. Or at least not the same muscles as my instructor seems to possess.

I went to class tonight with a fresh attitude. We are halfway through the series and class doesn't scare me anymore. I can't say that I feel completely at ease but I came to class tonight with the intention of being in the moment, taking from it what I could, and enjoying it while I was there.

It was actually completely enjoyable. There are few places I can think of that are less threatening or more welcoming to women. Everyone at the studio - students and teachers alike - have open minds and are truly just enjoying the moment they are in and maybe more importantly, enjoying the bodies they are in at that moment.

We have only tonight and next week to finish learning all the new moves for this session and then it is all about choreography for the "big show" (gulp). The moves tonight are...let me see if I can find just the right words to describe...kick-ass-tough. This isn't about sitting on a chair in a pretty pose or snapping out an 8-beat count. This is about jumping up on your chair - which believe it or not is actually much easier than the coming down which is supposed to go something like this...."Right foot down. Butt down. Left foot down". I challenge you to try that one....but have a spotter nearby. That is what we do. We help each other by holding the chair and standing by to support each other's efforts. We are there for one another if we fall and we are there for one another to offer tips on how to improve or to simply say "nice job!"

Another move has us doing a reverse crunch. Picture lying on your stomach and then using your lower abdominal muscles to lift your backside into the air as you slide back into a kneeling position - reverse crunch style. It is this move that makes me realize I'm missing lower abdominal muscles....completely missing them....as I lay on my stomach....and nothing happens. NOTHING. I can picture where my lower abdominal muscles SHOULD be. I can mentally think about moving them. But nothing happens. I'm not even kidding. I just lay there...paralyzed....like a fish out of water. Meanwhile my instructor keeps doing the move over and over....like some kind of freak of nature. She tells the class that it takes practice and once we get it down, it is the best ab workout anywhere. All I can think about is how badly my back is going to hurt tomorrow, as I roll over onto my back and take a deep breath.

As I'm leaving class, I see a sign hanging on the studio wall that says "Believe you can and you will." It's one of those things we see everywhere, platitudes that we are told too often as we face life's challenges. It is easy to say but not always so easy to do. There are thing that I'm learning in this class that I have doubts about being able to do no matter how much I "believe". But at the same time, there are things that I'm doing that I couldn't do four weeks ago - physically. And mentally, there are things that I'm seeing in myself that I may not have seen four weeks ago. Those are the things I'm working to believe in now.

Week 4: It's All About Owning What You Have

I missed class this week. I was having one of those days and just needed a bit of self care - dinner, glass of wine, comfy clothes, and early to bed.

However, over this past weekend, I was interested to find an article about Burlesque dance featured in the February issue of "Savvy" magazine. The magazine interviewed several burlesque studio owners and class instructors in the Minneapolis area to find out what sets this new exercise trend apart from other exercise and dance classes. Following are some of the quotes from that article that really resonated with me...

"Don't knock it until you try it."

"Expect a workout for mind, body and soul. And since body positivity is at the heart of burlesque, you might be surprised at not only your physical transformation - but your mental transformation too."

"It's all about owning what you have."

And finally a quote from my instructor...
"There is this amazing moment where they (the students) start to glow. I love performing, but what keeps me going is definitely just watching them blossom into even more amazing versions of themselves."

The article also pointed out that every performer needs to have a stage name....so I guess I better go and think about that now!

Week #3 - The Polar Vortex is Colder When You Are Wearing A Thong....

The Polar Vortex is even colder when you are wearing a thong. Of course, I'm referencing my lyrical dance shoes which are also known as "foot thongs". My feet are freezing as I stand on the concrete floor waiting for class to start. My bravado from last week has worn off and I debated all day about whether or not to come to class tonight. But I realized I was just looking for excuses to avoid it so, at the last minute, I threw on my foot thongs and headed to class for my weekly round of humiliation.

The cold has kept most everyone away from class tonight but I meet Andrea who was unable to be at class last week. She is a law student who is studying for the Bar exam and takes this class for physical exercise as well as for complete mental diversion. Since it is just the two of us and she is new to this series as well, we are able to spend some time talking with "CherryBomb" (whose real name is Alina and who is actually the studio owner) about the class structure, and of course, the dreaded "showcase".

She talks about how she started the studio a couple years ago as a means of helping women build confidence while getting some exercise in a fun and unique way. I share with her that years ago, I injured my back and have continuing back issues so I have some concerns about a class like this. She assures me that she will always show me modifications for the moves to minimize stress to my back. And in fact, I'm surprised to learn that she works with numerous groups who are actually going through physical therapy and use this as a means of exercise and rehabilitation.

We talk...a lot...about showcase. Alina tells us that she plans the choreography for each dance to reflect the song, be a little bit flirty, but also a little bit funny - this is burlesque after all. She says that chair dance can be about comedy and says "none of us take ourselves too seriously around here". She also reminds us that the audience for showcase is made up of people who are supporting every dancer on state - husbands, boyfriends, in some cases, wives and girlfriends, maybe even family or other friends. These are people who care about the people on stage and are there to lend their support for the courage it takes to be up front and also have some laughs enjoying the show that is planned. I like everything she has to say.

Then we begin to talk about costuming and I'm less enthused about that discussion. Some of the ideas sound less than appealing to me. I'm still not certain that I will actually do the showcase at all so I try not to express any opinions...I'll let the group decide what works best for them. The song that they had selected was "Gold Digger" so naturally, gold lame is a distinct possibility.

Our conversation finished, we do our warm up, learn some new moves, and then start putting together choreography for the dance. I catch myself doing the same self talk as last week - "I look ridiculous", "why am I here", and noticing every bulge and unattractive jiggle in the full wall mirror that stands in front of us. Much of the time, I focus on the teacher or the other students and refuse to even watch myself in the mirror. But at the same time, there are moments where I find myself thinking "OK, I get that move now", or laughing with Alina and Andrea about ideas for choreography and at ourselves as we try moves that are uncomfortable and out of our comfort zone.

Soon, we have the first segment of the routine choreographed and class is over. Alina tells us to practice at home during the week and I find myself actually looking forward to next week and learning more of the dance. My conversation on the way home is much different than last week. I'm still not entirely confident and negative thoughts do wind their way into my dialogue with myself, but for the most part, I'm feeling a bit self-congratulatory. With wind chills at 45 below zero, it would have been easy to stay home and catch up on "Downton Abbey", but instead I came to class and am glad that I did.

Week 1: Diary of a Chair-Dancing Grandmother

Note: This series of posts is actually post-dated.  I’m sharing this first post and will share the remaining posts  over the course of the next week. For anyone who has ever considered taking a class like this, I hope that you’ll share a laugh with me and maybe take something away from the reading. 

This is why it is never a good idea to surf the internet after drinking wine. You find yourself researching things you might not normally research. And, in some cases, you find yourself signing up for something that you maybe normally would not. With New Year's resolutions still fresh on my mind, I was looking for fun, unique ways to get some exercise in in 2014. It is in this way that I found myself not only visiting the website for "Burlesque MN", but also viewing the class schedule, and signing up for a class in burlesque chair dance. No time to think. The next session starts tomorrow night. I hit "send" and I'm registered.

"Chair dance is a fast-paced flirtatious dance style. Mixing hip hop and sensual movement, this cardio class will make you sweat and feel sexy doing it. In today's world of mixed messages about body image, sexuality and sensuality, people feel confused, disconnected or even ashamed of their bodies. My job is to make them see what I see...that those arms, legs and everything in between are beautiful, fabulous, wonderful vehicles for expression and joy!" - INSTRUCTOR

What follows is a diary of my experiences as I go through the next weeks of classes (or not). As I begin writing this diary, I have no idea what to expect on this adventure, but if I do move forward with this crazy thing, I wanted to have something to look back on to remember the journey. Ok...."let's do this crazy thing!"...

Session Week #1:

I feel foolish calling the studio in the morning to let them know that I won't be attending the first class of the session tonight. The brakes on my car need to be checked after work and also we are expecting lots of snow. Excuses? Yes! Valid? Maybe. Could be when I woke up this morning, without the benefit of wine in my system, I thought "Yikes! What have I done?" In any case, I hang up the phone and tell myself that I'm just being sensible and that I will make no excuses next week. I will go to the next class.

Session Week #2:

I'm not sure it is normal to feel this nervous about going to an exercise class. After locating the studio and parking my car, I sit inside the safety of my conservative Honda SUV for a few moments wondering if I should just throw it in reverse and head back home. But then I ask myself "how bad can it be?:" and remind myself that if I don't even try, I will always wonder. So I step out of my car and take the first steps.

The studio is a large warehouse space with high ceilings and rooms separated only by long hanging curtains giving it an open, airy feeling. I am early so I take a seat on the purple velvet chaise lounge in the waiting area and make conversation with two other women who are also taking the class. As chance would have it, they also were unable to come to the first class so I don't feel quite so much like I'm starting behind. However, that being said, one of them (Katie) has taken this series before, and the other woman (Julia) has not taken chair dance, but has taken many other courses at the studio. So they are confident about being there tonight. They are also younger than I am. Much younger. I would guess that they are the same age as my daughters and I am certain I have shoes in my closet that are older than they are (which is really just an indication that I should clean out my closet rather than any reflection on them!) Anyway, they are very welcoming and tell me right away what a great experience this is going to be.

It's class time and our instructor, "CherryBomb", who is also the owner of the studio, welcomes us and invites us to "grab a chair".  Literally. I swallow my breath and my pride as she cranks the music to an eardrum-popping volume and then begins the "warm up" (which is more cardio than I've done in the last 3 months...combined.) Ten minutes into class and I'm dying. And we haven't even finished the warm up.

Then CherryBomb does a quick review of the moves learned last week and introduces us to the new moves for this week. I can't hear a word over the music as she calls out the moves so I am forced to watch her with an extreme intensity in an attempt to copy her movements. It feels very awkward to watch her so closely and I hope she isn't creeped out by the middle-aged woman in the back row...me.  The moves are very hard and require balance. I have no balance - I occasionally tip over when just standing still - honestly. They also require significant core strength - of which I have none. And they require lots of focus to make sure you are placing your body correctly in order to balance and not fall off the chair....which I do...twice.

The physical moves are tough but, as I expected, the mental moves are much more difficult. There are five of us in this class with varying ages and body types. I am the oldest and least in shape. They have all come dressed appropriately for a class such as this in form fitting leggings with adorable coordinating tank tops. I am wearing grey sweat pants, a t-shirt, and an oversized sweatshirt - which no matter how hot and sweaty I get during class, I refuse to remove. The instructor is amazing - completely confident, strikingly beautiful, purely athletic and yet very sensual at the same time. She takes us through a number of sequences and though I should be focusing, I can't shake the non-stop internal monologue telling me that....this is silly, I look ridiculous, I shouldn't be here, they are probably all laughing at me, and I can't wait for this to be over.

Surprisingly the hour class flies by and it is over very soon. We gather in a circle on the floor for a cool down. That's when it gets interesting...

CherryBomb: So what song do you guys think we should pick for Showcase?

Me: (Confused look on my face)

CherryBomb:  We could go with something really up-tempo or something a bit slower. Thoughts?

Me: I'm sorry....what are you talking about?

CherryBomb: Didn't they tell you when you registered? at the end of the session, we do a "student showcase" and every class performs a routine in front of an audience.

Me: (Look of COMPLETE and UTTER horror on my face!)

CherryBomb: I mean it isn't like totally required or anything, but it is strongly encouraged.

Me: (Smiling reassuringly like I completely expected this)....uh, yeah, uh huh, totally, of course....

CherryBomb:  Now....I know we have quite an age range in this class so let's pick something we might all like.

Me: (Thinking: Gee....does Lawrence Welk have any hot new dance music out? What's with the age comment?)

A song is chosen. Not one of my favorites by any means but, to be honest, at this point I'm thinking they can pick whatever song they want because I won't be there anyway. So I nod my head in agreement with their selection. As their conversation migrates to sparkles and leopard-attire, I throw on my socks, winter boots, scarf, hat, wool mittens, and puffy parka, and rush out for the safety of my car. "There," I think, "that humiliation is done and I don't ever have to go back if I don't want to."

On the drive home, I find myself talking to myself...actually talking....like, out loud....like a crazy person. "I should have never even gone to the stupid class. I drove all the way to Minneapolis and it's certainly not "my thing". I had no business being there. I'm way too old and way too out of shape to be doing something like this. I'll probably throw out my back. And besides, what will John think of all this? (Well, honestly, he might not mind too much.) But what would my family think? My daughters? For goodness sake, my grandchildren? My friends? They will probably think I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing and  might even be a little embarrassed for me. Yep, I tried it and it wasn't for me. So I'm done..."  Confidence. Decision made.

Driving...thinking...driving....thinking.

But the women I talked to at the start of class had such great things to say about it. That it was actually very empowering. Not to mention, it's a really good workout and Lord knows, I could use that. There really isn't anything naughty about it - it's just flirty and fun. I mean...I could see that it could be kind of fun once you got the hang of it. Maybe I could go back for just one more class and then decide if I want to continue on?

By the time I get home, I have myself convinced. I AM going to go back to class. I even go online and order the right kind of lyrical dance shoes. In fact, not only am I going back to class. I AM going to finish the series if it kills me. And not only that, I AM doing that damn showcase - if for no other reason than to show myself that I can.

Morning After:  There is NO WAY I'm doing the showcase. In fact, I might not even go back to class. I'm sure I looked ridiculous and what was that comment about "I know we have a big age range in this class" supposed to mean? I don't think that anyone has ever made me feel old before...but that comment did.

Later That Day: I know the instructor didn't mean for her comment to make me feel old. It is my own insecurity that made me hear something in her statement that was not her intent. She isn't responsible for how I feel at all. That is my own responsibility.

Two Days After First Class: I'm sore! The muscles in my legs, hips, abs, arms and shoulders are stiff and sore which leads me to believe that this workout was even more intense than I realized. So I decided to go back to the website to find out a bit more about what I am getting into...

"Our mission here is to awaken the artist in you through dance movement. We do this through a safe, accepting, supportive environment and group involvement. We won't just teach you a dance; we will teach you how to dance. It's going to be a lot of hard work, boundary pushing and amazing achievements. You will laugh, sweat and play. It's the art of being you. So smile, because you are among friends. Because you are beautiful. Because you are strong. Because you will grow."

Well...we'll see...