In any case, I made the switch and found a class that is also full of women who were so friendly, welcoming, and expressed a confidence about themselves that I'm not sure I possess. Or, I wonder, perhaps they are just good pretenders as many of us are - able to express positive body confidence - even though they may share my same internal struggles with body image. I find myself wondering about this and wondering about where I place myself on that range between insecurity and complete confidence.
We've likely all read articles or heard reports about mixed messages we are subject to in relation to our bodies. Too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too this, too that. I've read these same articles and listened to the same reports. Part of my head understands that the images of women we see in the media are not the average and in some cases, are not even a realistic attainable reality. But there is another part of my mind that continues to whisper negative messages focusing my attention on my flaws. It's a difficult voice to silence as it's been my partner for so many years.
I try to remember the first time I felt awkward in my own body and one memory comes to mind. I am about ten years old and we have spent the day at my uncle's house on the lake. I am browned from the sun, satiated with BBQ, and feeling completely at ease with myself. When it's time to leave, I run up the hill with my family, most likely talking a mile a minute, and as I move through an area of deeper grass around a tree, I step on something soft. To my horror, I look down and realize that I've stepped on a baby bunny and the encounter has not been good for him. He is thrashing around and I get immediately upset and start to scream. My grandpa is there and he scolds me to "be quiet" - he is never angry or short with me and this scolding somehow adds to my distress. I stand there watching the bunny die and suddenly feel so completely awkward, and large, and clumsy, and I think it's then that some of the internal messages begin. I didn't learn my internal messaging from self comparisons to the models in "Teen Beat". The messages came to me from a life experience that took only an instant, but left me feeling awkward to this day. I mean, come on, I killed a baby bunny with my awkward, clumsy self for goodness sake! (I just realized that in this post I've revealed hearing voices in my head and a very tragic bunny killing incident. Wow - we've taken a very unintentional dark turn! I promise you I am not really crazy. Now getting back on track...)
Since then my body size has had good days and not so good days. My closet is proof that I've been a size 6 and a size 14 and every size in between. Currently, although I'd like to lose a few pounds and tighten this or that, I'm very happy with my body. I'm healthy. I'm strong. But even so, even at those time when I've been my thinnest, that nagging voice is never really fully silenced. I heard on the radio recently that according to some study, in an average woman's lifetime, she will spend the equivalent of 2 weeks kissing....and 49 YEARS worrying about her body! What??
So how do you counteract those messages and those worries? Maybe by boldly facing them and sort of...spitting them back? That's what this class seems to be about. There are bodies of every size - all beautiful in their own way - none perfect by media standards. But nobody in this room is saying "I shouldn't do this move because my thighs rub together" or "I shouldn't bend this way because my stomach shows". And while the end result of the physical activity might be thinner thighs or more toned arms, the class isn't really about focusing on the body we want to have. Instead, these women are proud, confident, and reveling in each angle and curve in the less-than-perfect bodies that they have at this moment. It is inspiring and for awhile, those voices in my head don't hold any power over me.
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